The Grief Cycle Is Showing Up In My Crepes...

Yea- no. Not these crepes...the first ones...well, you see it in a minute...

 So, the grief cycle goes something like this:

1- Denial

2- Anger

3- Bargaining

4- Depression

5- Acceptance

Now, psychology tells us that people can skip steps or get stuck in steps throughout our grief. So here is where I feel I have been in this cycle...

When Mason passed I think I went, as most people do, into denial. I knew she was gone, but something in me just thought: "No way, you'll see her next week."

Then I skipped anger all together and went straight to bargaining. And that's when this blog showed up. Please don't misunderstand- I really am enjoying this. It has been such a blessing to create, both cooking and writing; but I think I have been hoping that it would keep her present with me.

Enter food...

Monday night (for Bastille Day) I attempted Roasted Mushroom and Goat Cheese Stuffed Crepes.

Roasted mushrooms with shallots, olive oil, salt & pepper.

I struggle with my timing with food (everything prepared at the same time). So this, I thought, would be an easy one. While mushrooms roast I'll begin dessert: Crepes Belle Helene (crepes topped with orange poached pears and ice cream).

Oui- I'm using pre-made crepes.

I have this marvelous little device from pampered chef that
easily takes the skin right off of a pear.
It will marvelously take the skin right off of you too if you're
not careful.
(Also, that is, in fact, a Stitch cookie jar in the background.)

I let the pears simmer in a mixture of orange juice and sugar.

Letting the poached pears return to room temperature. 

Back to the Roasted Mushroom filled crepes...

It is at this point that I recognized all of my "bargaining" fall apart and give way to a hot, angry mess...

No- these are not beautifully rolled crepes filled with mushrooms, goat cheese, covered in Gruyere and sprinkled in chives. Yes- all those ingredients can be found in this dish...but they are not beautifully wrapped.

As I fumbled with (what I came to find out later) "too cool crepes", I could see the resemblance in my own grief cycle displaying itself in these disastrous crepes. 

Everything tasted great- it just looked like a hot mess. 

Which I feel is a lot like where I am right now. I notice I'm angry- furious at times. I'm angry that my friend is gone, that I can't just pick up the phone and call her, that if I drive to her house...she won't be there. Yes- I'm trying to hold it together, like these messy crepes, but my stuffings keep falling out...in tears, angry shouts to drivers on the road...to myself when I can't keep it together.

My stuffings aren't bad, just like the yummy roasted mushrooms. I'm mourning my friend. The memories I have of her are...well, delicious! And trying to hold it together in my fragile little shell...well, maybe it's time to stop being so brave.

When you warm the crepe gently (as I came to discover) it becomes
more elastic or stretchy.

The warmer and stretchier the crepe...the easier it bends and moves.

 For me, warmth has come from talking with my great friend (and one of Mason's great friends), Brandi, hugs from the Hubs, family and friends checking in to see how I'm doing, and...actually, a trip to the acupuncturist today.

I think crepes maybe my new favorite!

Truthfully, at Roasted Mushroom and Goat Cheese time I thought I was going to cry, but by dessert I had recovered. These thin pancakes kinda did a number on me Monday night; but they remind me of how strong, and also, fragile we are at times. The grief cycle helps...we don't have to feel everything all at once. But, wow...how important it is to surround ourselves with warmth!

It truly is La Bonne Vie Y'all!