To Mason, On Her Birthday.

In the past, I have never been particularly mindful of dates. 

Truthfully, I'm not very good at remembering most dates...but since Mason's passing, July 31st has been branded into my brain.

I think I have wanted to hurry the grief cycle- to just get through it quickly and some how everything would be ok. But I've been crying all week knowing that this day was coming. I even took the day off from work because I thought the crushing sadness would just overtake me.

Last night, I laid in bed and began to journal, writing Mason a letter. Of course, I told her that I missed her terribly. I also told her that I was scared. 

The last few months have been crappy. After Mason's passing, life has not exactly been smooth sailing. 

I've never been one of those people who ever wanted to go back in time and do something over again. I've always been the "keep moving forward" type of person. But in moving forward more crap kept happening.

So, as I'm writing this letter to Mason, telling her all of this, I remembered the time we went to Pigeon Forge.

Trace and Mase in Pigeon Forge.

I really hate haunted houses, but (for who knows why) we went to the scariest haunted house I've ever been to.

It was completely dark and we had to put our hand on the shoulder of the person in front of us. The person at the front of the line had to put their hand against the side of the wall and kind of feel their way out. Guess who was at the front of the line?

There were 3 men in the back...really?!

So, terrified, I keep moving forward. We stopped at one point and I couldn't tell the direction. It was like the room was curved or something and I froze in fear.

***Now, many of you who are not terrified of haunted houses would say: Tracy, you know that nothing in there is real, right? So there is nothing to be afraid of. Nevertheless...I was terrified.***

I remember hearing Mason ask, "Do you want one of these guys to come up here?" I said yes. She asked behind her...and no one bit. Either they were chickens...or this really was terrifying. 

It was at this moment I thought: This is terrifying and I can either stay right here and continue to be terrified by what is around me, or I can take one step in front of the other and get the hell out of here.

I chose to get the hell out of there.

I choose the word hell on purpose, because it felt like I was in hell. Demons and goblins screeching, something hairy to the right (I still have no idea what that was)...

I prayed, was given an extra dose of bravery, and got the hell out of hell.

When we finally got out, I sat in Mason's car and shook...and continued shaking for a good half hour.

Back to the letter...

I told Mason that I was stuck again. It felt like hell (or the haunted house) all over again. She was gone and there was a lot of scary life happening all around me.

I could almost hear her say: "You can't get stuck here Trace."

A rush of anger knowing that she was gone ignited me, and in an instant of sudden reality, I realized something I thought I already knew.

God- no amount of me being angry, stomping my feet, screaming at You, is going to bring Mason back. She will not walk up my sidewalk and if I call her phone she will not answer.

I wept.

I talked with friend last week who told me that Mason would stay with me. She didn't mean it in the weird mystical way people often mean things like that. She went on to explain that what Mason poured into me would be there. She said, "so when you are in those moments of needing to hear her voice you can just think...what did Mason say...or what would she say?"

I thought: I would meet her and tell her about my life right now, and she would listen. Then she would look me straight in the eye and hold my hand and say, "You can't get stuck here Trace."

So here I am in the haunted house of life, and I don't want to go back and relive the last few months, and I don't want to step into the unknown future...but moving forward is the only way out.

So I pray. I am given an extra dose of bravery, and the reminder that the Lord is with me, even in the midst of this loss, grief and pain, and I take one step in front of the other.

I think it was John Wayne who said, "Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway." Interestingly, one meaning of my name is 'courage'. I always thought that meant- never afraid, ever ready to rush headlong into the fray...no, the longer I'm on this earth, the more I realize that it is often exactly as John said. My personal belief is that the courage I receive comes from God and that His Presence is with me. He is the extra dose of bravery...plus, its so nice to know that I don't have to go it alone.

Well, John...and Mase, here I go.

I would like to wish my great friend a Happy Birthday today.

She did pour life into me, as any of us are capable of doing. Discovering how to pass along life instead of strife to those around us...hmmm, now there's a thought...

So, if you will indulge me...I must wish my friend a Happy Birthday.

Dear Mason,

It's your birthday! Happy Birthday Mase!

I was remembering the other day how Bran and I would meet you for dinner (not on your birthday) and then tell our waiter or waitress how happy we were to take our friend out for her birthday...and then we would get that huge peanut butter ice cream cake brought to the table! I remember Bran saying, "Thanks for having a birthday today Mase...and well, every other day we take you out!" You just shook your head and laughed...and then, of course, helped us eat the cake.

We used to celebrate the days leading up to your birthday. I remember when the Pirate movies were coming out so we decided your birthday should be pirate themed for a few years.

We decorated your lawn: notice Christmas lights, the boat we borrowed from someone, and a Jack Sparrow cut-out that is still in our house to this day!

This is one of my favorites! You came out laughing hysterically and even posed for this pic!

Then there was that time we had a guy deliver geriatric supplies to you at work...or the time we helped to throw your surprise 60th birthday party.

I have so enjoyed celebrating you! 

Throughout the years, our relationship has been filled with celebrations!

The Houston Rodeo.

Cruise to the Bahamas.

Convertible drive through TX.

You assisting me and the bridesmaids at my wedding.

I love you Mase!

You are a forever friend.

In honor of you today, I'm distributing one of your celebratory staples...

Yes- paper napkins with funny sayings on them. 

Your 'go-to' party supply for any celebration.

In spite of how stressful life has been lately, I think of this verse, which reminds me of you:

"What, what would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!" Ps. 27:13 AMP

Love,

Tracy

The way Mason lived and this verse are the inspiration for the name of this blog...

La Bonne Vie Y'all!