Blackberry, Brie Pizzettas...Or...What's been Happening Lately...

Blackberry, Brie Pizzetta with a Cucumber Mint Salad.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."  - C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"

To tell you that the past 2 months have been difficult would be an understatement. 

Mason's loss has been one of the hardest losses of my life. Like C.S. Lewis stated...it has at times felt a lot like fear. Losing someone shakes up everything. It feels like a bad dream...only you don't wake up from it. You begin to wonder what is stable...if you're going to be okay.

On top of the grief there have been additional challenges (things I would like to keep personal) that added to the grief. Honestly, it has been too much at times. 

I needed time. I needed to grieve. I needed to rest....I needed to have some quiet- to myself time. Due to the stress and grief, my health was not doing well either.

I came to one of those moments in life where you say..."I'm going to need a moment."

So I'm taking a moment...lots of them. I have taken the week off....to grieve, to cry, to get some acupuncture, to rest, to see where the Lord takes me, to go on a journey of restoration and healing. 

One day two weeks ago I was walking through my garden and started picking up some weeds. I was amazed at how peaceful it was. Before I knew it, an hour had gone by. I hadn't really thought of anything important; I was just mindlessly picking up weeds. I was also filthy. I hate being dirty. But somehow I didn't mind. Through the filthiness of weeding...I felt somehow cleaner, lighter, less bothered.

This made me think. Tracy, you are trying so hard to "work" your way to health through all of your processing. What if you just relaxed and went with the flow for a few days?

***********************************

Yesterday, I went to a much needed acupuncture treatment. I love acupuncture! Find someone who knows what they are doing...it is an amazing thing when the body functions the way it was designed to function. I feel so much better after a treatment!

As I talked to my acupuncturist, I mentioned the issues I was having and the stress and grief. I told him that I couldn't seem to rest. I have rested in the past. I have been on vacations where I found some peace, but I couldn't seem to take it with me back into everyday life.

He told me that his father once told him: "No matter where you go...there you are." I had heard this phrase and always felt bothered by it. If I was stressed in the past people would say: you should take a trip, and then I would think: Yes- but no matter where I go...there I am, so the stress can just come with me.

But my acupuncturist switched it on me..."You tapped into a part of yourself that has peace there (on vacation), so you can tap into it here too."

Hmmm...

A traditional Macchiato.

Afterwords, I went to a favorite cafe and had some tomato, artichoke soup and pimento cheese with applewood smoked bacon. I finished the meal with this traditional macchiato (shot of espresso with a dash of cream and froth). 

It was so pretty outside that I decided...I think I'll stay and read.

So I did.

Rather spontaneously, I decided to then take a long walk through the city. I came across this little place:

I had seen it before, but had never stopped by. It is an olive oil and balsamic tasting room. 

What?!

They have infused oil and vinegar with all sorts of flavors. It was amazing!

I spent time talking with the owners; they paired oils and vinegars together for me to taste- it was really delightful.

Basil infused olive oil, raspberry vinegar...the flavors of fig, apple, lavender....really, you must go!

I purchased a bottle of white truffle oil, which I planned to use on the pizzettas!!! 

I walked back to my car and went home to do some yoga, stretching and breathing.

Pizzettas...

So apparently you don't eat the fronds...just the white part of a fennel...I'm glad I You Tubed "how to slice a fennel"

I melted 2 Tbsp of butter and slowly cooked fennel & 1 large sweet onion
until golden brown.

I bought pre-made dough and shaped it into 6 small rounds
on parchment paper.

I painted the small rounds with this DELICIOUS
White Truffle Oil!!!

I used almost 12 oz of sliced (rind removed) brie cheese
to top the rounds. I then sprinkled with chopped pecans
and blackberries.

I topped it with the golden fennel, onion mixture.

Put the parchment directly on the oven rack in a preheated oven (425 degrees).

Look how pretty!

Toss 2 cups of loosely packed arugula with 2 tsp of
balsamic, 1 Tbsp of olive oil (I used my
White Truffle oil here too!), 1/4 cup of torn basil leaves,
salt and pepper.

Top Pizzettas with the arugula salad.
I made a cucumber mint salad to go with it.
Cucumber Mint salad: seedless cucumbers drained, mint,
sour cream and pepper...easy peasy!

Dinner was wonderful. It felt like a little celebration of my findings that day (a sense of peace...and White Truffle Oil.)

This morning I awoke to some cooler weather (which is very odd for this part of the South, and certainly this time of year).

I met a friend for breakfast at The Farmer's Daughter.

Copacetic Drip Coffee

Kale Quiche with shiitake mushrooms & a sweet
pepper and cheddar scone.

I had never been here, and since I had the time, I thought...why not?

The quiche and scone were excellent...and yes, they know their coffee!

After breakfast, I wondered through stores in the area, talked with shop owners, stood outside and enjoyed the breeze, which felt like it belonged to September rather than August. 

I came home to sit on the back porch and read, pray, sleep...maybe in that order.

Pumpkin in the sunshine.

Bright Red Hibiscus on the deck.

I love the dark purple at the center of this
Hibiscus!

Minnie listening for birds.

We cut these knock out roses back each year, almost to the stumps.
They grow back to be almost as tall as I am by Fall.

My heart-cat: Remy.
He is the best snuggler of them all. I'm definitely his person. This sweet boy
knows when I'm sad and becomes even more snuggily.

Mountains!

Two weeks ago, I was talking with a friend about all of my disappointment, sadness, anger and grief over Mason's death, the other stresses in my life and my health. I was emotionally flailing in C.S. Lewis' "fear" he talked about above. Truthfully...I was angry at God.

When I finally became quiet, tears streaming down my face, my friend said: But what about the blue sky...the breeze, the starfish and the birds chirping, children giggling...Who's responsible for that?

"For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God]." 1 Corinthians 13: 12 AMP

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a NIV

"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him.  This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us."  1 John 4: 7-11 NLT

***************************************************

So, I can't see everything clearly...but all of these beautiful attributes listed above belong to love...and God Is Love.

Who is responsible for the blue sky, the mountains, the scent of flowers, the taste of blackberries, the snuggle of my heart-cat...Love...God.

Another friend told me a few weeks ago: We must be completely sure of two things: 1) I am loved by God- completely; 2) Nothing is impossible for God.

La Bonne Vie Y'all!

"You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”  

- Anne Lamott