Dear Mason,
It's my birthday today, and by now I would have already received a card from you that had old ladies in a convertible on the front. It would have said something about us being old, getting older, and of course getting better the older we get. I would have laughed, smiled, and my heart would be warm knowing you remembered me...several days in advance since you bought the card and mailed it.
This has been the hardest year of my life.
My health was not good for almost 10 months of the past year. The health issues gave way to depression. My family had a few health issues...and you passed away.
I had my first ever panic attack at 3 am.
...then...quiet...something had to give...I think it was me.
Can I be brutally honest for a bit? Well, of course I can. You always honored honesty, Mason.
I've hated my birthday for many years. Not so much for the getting older bit, but because it was one more year here...diabetic, colitis, PCOS, not getting it "right" me...
The horrible part about the Type 1 Diabetes...it will NEVER be perfect. I'll never get it "just right". How many years have I gone to the doctor with a slue of bad numbers and felt like it was my report card...and that I was always failing. Then when the other issues get added on...it feels like I'm destined to fail for the rest of my life. I get frustrated at the lack of perfection.
It brought me to the end of myself.
The sickness, the family health, the loss of you...the panic attack.
Sometime this year, gradually, (I can't pin point the time it started or began coming on strong) I left myself and walked to lay down in God's lap.
Grace, Mason, just Grace. I won't be good enough- ever. Not until the Lord returns.
At the end of me there is just a leaning into God's Grace.
When the numbers aren't perfect- there is enough Grace for that.
When feelings and physical symptoms change from day to day, or minute to minute...there is enough Grace for that.
It's just not about me (how hard I try, how good I am, what lovely works I accomplish)...
It's about Him. It's about the work He did and continues to do. And He freely gives His Whole Self to me!!!
He is good enough, so I accept His goodness, and now I have enough!
"But in our time something new has been added. What Moses and the prophets witnessed to all those years has happened. The God-setting-things-right that we read about has become Jesus-setting-things-right for us. And not only for us, but for everyone who believes in him. For there is no difference between us and them in this. Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ."
- Romans 3:21-24 MSG
This is the first birthday in several years that I'm enjoying.
I'm enjoying being loved on by God. I enjoy letting me and my wish for perfection go, and instead laying my whole self in the lap of God...relying on Jesus' goodness and perfection to be mine...the free gift. I've put my faith in Him.
And there is enough Grace for that!
